What to Expect as a New Stepmom
Want to know what it’s really like to be a new stepmom? Let me share 🙂
This post was originally written 14 days after we married (now almost 4 years ago).
I’m excited to say that I married my soul mate 14 days ago. This means I’m also 14 days into officially being a stepmom!
We’ve been together for over 8 years and I’ve had a very active role in my stepson’s lives for about 7 of those years.
Entering into a relationship with someone who has children means you are dating more than just the man (or woman).
In my case, I’ve been dating 3 people… developing a relationship with my husband and my two stepsons.
As you can imagine being in a relationship with 3 people can be CRAZY. Ups, downs and everything in between.
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Here’s What to Expect as a New Stepmom:
1. YOUR STEP CHILDREN MAY WARM TO YOU INSTANTLY, BUT THAT COULD CHANGE.
Depending on your stepchildren’s age and whether they remember details about their parent’s divorce could change the way they react towards you or treat you.
They could go from loving bedtime tuck-ins to not talking to you at all.
Just remember that they are kids and might not be used to having you in their life – no matter how long it’s been. This can be challenging for them, so it’s important to keep that in mind.
A lesson I have learned and need to remind myself of is that I am the adult and even though I may be hurting, I need to remember that they are just kids. Don’t get me wrong – they need to show respect and this is the job of your spouse to talk to them about.
Related: Dear Bio Mom: 8 Truth’s Stepmom’s Wish You Understood
2. PLANNING FAMILY GET TOGETHERS IS HARD!
In fact, scheduling anything can be hard!
You thought planning time with your family around the holidays was tough? Well, try including 2 immediate families, plus 4 sets of grandparents! It can be frustrating that you’ll need to check what your hubby’s ex has planned over the holidays to determine what you can plan!
Not fun.
This is something YOU WILL get used to and once a proper routine is set it makes everyone’s lives that much easier, including the kids.
After all, children like routine and like to know where they’re going to be and when.
Get an inside look at what it's like to be a new stepmom. Learn what to expect, how to cherish good experiences and overcome challenging situations. #stepmomlife #stepmoms #stepmum #stepparenting Share on X
3. YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON.
In my case, I’ve been dating 3 people for years 🙂 My now husband and my two stepsons.
There will be times that you are all getting along. Cherish this, as there will also be tough times you won’t know how to get through.
Think of each person in your relationship as someone you need to focus on and love – in different ways.
It can be tough and constant work, but it’s the only way to find true happiness and give your stepchildren the love they deserve.
4. YOU CAN’T JUST BE THEIR FRIEND.
Now, this applies once you’ve been together longer and even more so if they live with you full time.
If you are just a friend to your stepchild they could take advantage, walk all over you and not listen. Friendship and being a good parent have to be balanced… just like any parent.
Saying this, try and let your spouse do the disciplining, as you don’t want to set yourself up for complete failure!
Related: Top Inspirational Step Parenting Quotes
5. YOUR STEP CHILDREN COULD HAVE A GUILT COMPLEX.
It’s sad to say this, but at times it’s natural that your stepkids may pull away from you, be angry with you or just plain ignore you.
They could feel guilty about showing love to you due to your spouse’s ex.
It doesn’t seem right that a parent would plan to make their children feel guilty, but this happens more often than not (whether it’s intentional or otherwise), which only hurts and confuses the children.
If only all biological parents thought about stepparents in this way…
Every parent has the ability to free their child from a loyality bind by saying, “It’s OK to like or love your stepparent. I want you to have a wonderful relationship from them. There’s enough love to go around”. Quote from StepMomHelp.com
At the end of the day, we all want the same thing… to have happy, strong children who grow into thriving adults.
6. MAKING DINNER COULD BE A CHALLENGE.
Depending on what age you enter into your stepchildren’s lives, making dinner that everyone likes can actually be harder than the average family.
My stepkids are used to eating Greek and Indian food (Greek Dad, Indian Mom).
I used to fancy myself as an amazing cook, however, I feel like I’ve given up as it’s hard to make food everyone will like and there is no way I am going to compete with their Yiayia’s Dolmada’s or their Nanny’s Aloo Gobi!
So, I’ve had to introduce new meals by trial and error to see what sticks. I have to say that Bangers and Mash (one of my English meals) is always gobbled up! Also, before being a stepmom I used to cook a lot of Indian food and I’m happy to say that my one stepson enjoys my dal and channa masala, so I’m glad I did eventually make these!
7. YOU WILL BE OVERWHELMED WITH LOVE.
Even though stepparenting is a tough job, there will be times you will be so happy and so full of love that it makes it more than worth it.
The first time they say I love you, cuddle into you, or they want your help with something or best of all if they refer to you as ‘mom’.
These firsts will be different for everyone. No matter what, remember them and keep track of them. After all, you’ve probably gone through hell and back before some of these memorable firsts happened.
Here’s a beautiful memory keeper journal to track everything along the way.
There are many different designs to choose from so see what suits your style.
If you have a challenging relationship with your stepchild, don’t fret. Important moments will come. They may just be different from what you expect. So, be patient (even though it’s hard) and watch out for them.
Even though stepparenting is a tough job, there will be times you will be so happy and so full of love that it makes it more than worth it. #stepmomlife #stepmoms #stepmum #family #blendedfamily Share on X
If you’re a New Stepmom – You’ve Got This!
For those entering a new relationship with someone who has kids, I hope this has given you a little insight into what to expect.
Being a stepmom is darn hard and it can be an emotional rollercoaster. There will be drama, so buckle up!
I have however chosen to stay pretty positive. Fitting in can take time, but the more positive you can be towards your stepparenting role will actually result in happier relationships in the home.
New Stepmoms…Is there anything I’ve missed or you want to add?
Let me know in the comment section below.
Related Stepparenting Blog Posts:
- Words of Encouragement & Support for Stepmoms
- Dear Bio-Moms: 8 Truths Stepmoms Wish You Understood
- Top Inspirational Step Parenting Quotes
- 12 Essential Tips to Being a Present Parent
- The Importance of Love & Affection Towards Your Children
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I love this! Ive been in 6 years now. I instantly bonded with my sd. My ss and i had a rough time in the beginning. I would mention cleaning in your house with them and avoid saying “my house”. It was a hard lesson for me. Bc they had a way each parent had taught them and then they had someone new come in trying to help teach them yet another way to do things. Now they are mostly grown and all I can say is please pray. There are rough seas. I love them dearly and it breaks my heart whats going on. But God knows the situation.
We learn so much through this step parenting journey. Thanks for sharing your story – I know it helps others to read. 🙂
I’m so glad you mentioned the food issue! Even when everyone is used to eating pretty much all the same foods, many times it’s about the specific recipe or the way the food is presented on the plate. A simple PB&J sandwich made by Mom can be a comfort food for a child. So if step-Mom cuts the bread a different way or fails to remove the crusts, it can feel all wrong to a child.
There’s so much to struggle through when any change happens in a family. Sometimes all we can do is muddle through the best we know how, and ask the kids to help us fine tune things so they’ll be happier 🙂
Thanks so much for your perspective. It’s nice to get other stepmom’s feedback 🙂 It is funny how kids expect that a certain type of dish looks and tastes the same everywhere! And yes, it’s definitely all about muddling through to make the kids happy 🙂
I’ve experienced several girlfriends have to be the stepmom and it’s a rough road. However, these tips do help when emotions are involved.
These are really good points! I hadn’t thought about how planning for special occasions with the kids could be. There’s definitely some adjustments to prepare for!
Ha! It’s all about the scheduling… and well, everyone agreeing (that’s the tough part!)
This is great advice! I have a Step Mom, my Dad and her got married when I was 11 and I have always been very close to her. She navigated things so well and has always been a great friend for me. I am sure it is such a hard position to be in!
Thanks for the feedback Emily. I love to hear from people who have step parents, just to hear a different side of the story. So lovely to hear you and your step mom are close 🙂
My Mom was a stepmom to the children from my Dad’s first marriage. They were teenagers when my parents got married. She tells me it was difficult for everyone to adjust but they eventually did. Great post.
It’s a tough job, but when things go great it’s truly so rewarding. Thanks for the feedback Ellen 🙂
Excellent advice. Something else I would like to add, however. If the children’s parents do not have a good working relationship, things will be significantly more difficult.
Hi Alicia – completely agree with you regarding the child’s parents. If everyone got along it would be SO much better for the kids, as they do pick up on issues that are happening.
So many great tips here that will help lots of women. Wishing you lots of luck.
This is awesome! Really great tips! I have 2 stepsons and the adjustment was so much harder than I expected. I wish i had a few of these tips back then!
Thanks Tiffany! It is hard and I went in blinded. If I’d known more I think the transition would have been easier.
This is an amazing post! My oldest nephew is the step-child to my brother’s wife and they have three other children together so these are definitely things you need to keep in mind.
xo, Kimberly
http://www.lifeofkimberly.com
Thanks Kimberly!
I’ve been a stepmom for about 7 years and it is very interesting to say the least. It’s also very hard but so worth it.
I hear you Tabitha. Hang in there, as I agree it it worth it. We just have to remind ourselves of that when times are tough 🙂
This is really good advice. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend now for three years and I must say it’s really a tough job being in his children’s lives, especially because we come from different cultural backgrounds. But there have been good times as well. So i totally agree with you here.
I agree with it being hard coming from different cultural backgrounds. I never expected this to be a challenge but it is. As a stepmom we want to continue our traditions too and introduce things we were used to growing up. IT’s hard to do this sometimes when there are so many people involved in the kids lives. I just hope that some of my traditional might stick! Thanks LeoLynn for your feedback 🙂