Dear Bio Mom’s. 8 Truths Stepmom’s Wish You Understood
Being a good stepmom also means being involved with your children’s bio-mom… through the good, the bad and the ugly.
Us stepmoms are involved because we love our stepchildren.
We are involved because we love our spouses.
We are involved because we choose to be.
In an ideal world, I would have the kind of relationship with my kid’s bio-mom where I could invite her in for a cup of tea and we’d chat about life, the kids and ourselves.
This is not the case today, but who knows about the future!
For all the bio-moms out there who have a stepmom in their life, here’s what we’d like you to understand about us.
Related: Check out my interview on the Mom After Hours podcast where I talk more about my step-mom journey!
1. We Love Your Children
Yes, we love them. We want to see the joy in their eyes. We love when they laugh and are torn apart when they cry.
We appreciate how blessed we are to have them in our lives.
2. We Aren’t Trying to Replace You
We are here to enhance our stepchildren’s lives and provide them with love, but our goal is not to replace you.
There is a difference between being their mom and their stepmom. We call you mom around the kids.
We make sure they haven’t forgotten about you on your birthday or Mothers Day and we want them to be respectful to you.
Saying that we’d love to have the same consideration back as co-mom’s.
3. We Want To Get Along
This is a big one. We really wish there wasn’t any drama.
The more we can all get along the happier and healthier the children will be – period.
This would be life-changing and just imagine the benefit it could have on the kids today and as they grow into adults.
Having a harmonious relationship between all parents provides kids with balance and dramatically reduces stress and anxiety that can take place when co-parents are not getting along.
RELATED: Top Inspirational Stepparenting Quotes
4. We Would Move Mountains For Your Children
I would literally do ANYTHING for my stepchildren.
Love them, protect them, provide for them, fight for them… anything.
Please do not be threatened by this though.
Understand that our motivation is to be a great bonus mom and support them every step of the way… alongside you.
5. We Want To Enhance Our Stepchildren’s Lives
…and have them grow up to be great people.
I will do homework with them.
I will share my favourite music with them (as well as my ridiculous dance moves), but most importantly teach them strong values that will stay with them into adulthood.
Stepmoms feel this way because we choose to love our step kids, through the good and the bad.
6. We Love Your Ex
I understand things didn’t work out between you, but please don’t put my spouse down in front of me – or even worse in front of the kids.
Relationships end but remember your ex is doing their best to parent, just as you are.
7. We Agree – Divorce Sucks
I would never wish for any child to experience the pain, confusion and loss that divorce brings.
This experience can’t be taken away from the child, so what we can do is ensure the child is given the love and the chance to thrive, regardless of divorce.
This means no game playing, no drama and always thinking of your child first.
8. Being a Stepmom is Really Hard
When I was a little girl I didn’t dream of raising another woman’s children, while struggling to conceive myself.
It’s difficult to be a stepmom when you put in so much hard work, love and effort but still feel under-appreciated the majority of the time.
I will say though – no matter how hard it is, being a stepmom is 100% worth it.
Building a long lasting relationship and bond with our stepchildren is a gift, to us and them.
I hope you appreciate all that we do for your children.
To all the biological moms out there…
Stepmoms are just regular people, doing our best to navigate parenthood, like you.
We’re not perfect.
We make mistakes.
However, please look upon our intentions to love our stepchildren and do our best as a positive for them and for you.
NOTE:
I am aware the above scenario does not refer to all stepmoms and all bio moms.
The above comments are based on my experience as a stepmom who has stepchildren in my life on a daily basis. It’s also the experiences of fellow stepmoms I’ve spoken with.
More Step Parenting Resources:
- Top Inspirational Step Parenting Quotes
- What to Expect as a New Stepmom
- 12 Essential Tips to Being a Present Parent
- Words of Encouragement & Support for Stepmoms
For more inspiration and to get the latest post from Put The Kettle On, let’s connect!
Pinterest | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter
Dear Bio-Mom's... 8 Truths Stepmom's Wish You Understood #stepparenting #stepmom #blendedfamily Share on X
About Yolanda
Website Owner / Content Creator
I’m passionate about helping you live life to the fullest so you can choose to find happiness and purpose. Learn how to CREATE THE LIFE YOU LOVE with intentional living and discovery of the simple things life has to offer. Learn more!
This is so helpful. Thank you.
Very blessed by this post! It is so true that being a good step-mom is a choice and it is a lot of work. And it would be nice if our effort was seen and appreciated a little more…but we will keep doing it anyway:)
Awe, thanks so much Miranda! Being a stepmom sure is a lot of work and many of us stepmoms are doing as much or more than the bio mom too! I think no matter what though when our kids grow up they will know how much love and support we provided 🙂
My parents separated when I was two so I have no recollection of them together (I was raised by my single mom and saw my dad every two weekends until I was about 15 years old). I had a plethora of step parents…….most of them not very good. My dad had a spouse from when I was 3 to 8 years old who already had a little girl a few months younger than me and gave birth to my half brother. She detested me and the fact that I got her children excited when I was staying at my dads. She would always pick on me calling my name over and over again to pick up my bag, my socks, fixe the slightest crease in my bed sheets. She would make a point to make the one meal I couldn’t stomach the first night I was over on a weekend. I had told my dad to ask her not to make that salmon pot pie when I was there but she always did, knowing full well I hated it and that I was well raised enough to shut up and eat what was on my plate. Eventually my dad had enough and her treatment of me combined with their rocky relationship finally made him leave when my brother was 8 years old (it was hard on him but then again, he’s 26 now, gets along great with our dad (so do I) and doesn’t talk to his mom anymore). As for my mom, she had a few spouses but the worst was the guy she was with for 12 years from the time I was 9 to 21. I hated him from day one. I told her right away but she stayed with him. He hated me, tried to turn my mother against me (telling her I was ungrateful and I would make trouble). I was a good kid, my mom knew my friends, she knew where I was if I wasn’t coming home for dinner. As a teenager I never would have thought of having a party. I had good grades, I was polite, I was responsible, you name it. But she didn’t trust me because he made sure to tell her I was a bad apple. I left home at 19 because I couldn’t stand it. He destroyed her psychologically and they’ve been separated for almost a decade now and she’s never been the same. Anyway all this to say, I know exactly what not to be as a step parent. I never wanted to be pregnant myself (it happens folks, get over it). But I love children and I’m extremely good with them (people say it’s a gift). Because of that and the fact that I’m in my thirties, I always knew that when I would have my next serious relationship, my spouse may very well have a pre-started family. I’ve been with him 2 years and he has two wonderful little boys. And I’m trying very hard to be a good part of their life and to enhance it as well as I can. And so far there hasn’t been much drama from the bio-mom. she has her own spouse with his 3 kids from a previous marriage (they are a family of 7 now….it blows my mind!!!). My step parent story is now a good one and I hope it stays that way for years to come.
C.B… Thank you so much for opening up about your experience with step parents. What you went through was not fair. You sound like such a lovely person and it’s funny how things end up in life… that you are a step parent now. I bet you are honestly the best stepmom and are riding this journey out. I can’t thank you enough and if you ever want to talk more about step parenting life (boy it’s interseting!) feel free to send me an email xo
What an important post; thank you for sharing this honest perspective. I pinned it to share. It’s a message that everyone should read 🙂
Thanks so much Paula. Your feedback means a lot 🙂
Hear hear. I would move mountains for that kid. Even if she’s living far away from us.
This was a fantastic post. You seem like an amazing mama 🙂
Awe, thanks so much Divya 🙂
What a precious perspective on being a step parent! Hopefully more parents will begin to take this view. Kids are lucky to have these kinds of parents!
Thanks Sarah! I always say to my step kids how lucky they are that they have SO many people to love them – and there’s the extra gifts for days and Christmas too lol
Love this perspective! Thanks for writing this 🙂
I am not a step mom and can’t imagine some of the things stepmom must go through. Very well said and written. Hope it helps others.
This is such a great post! I personally have never had to deal with divorce (with my parents, or with my spouse), but I have seen how it’s torn my husband’s family apart and I wish that all biological moms could read this post!
xoxo, SS
Thanks! Yes, I do wish that all bio moms could understand a little more where us stepmom are coming from.
this is sweet and a great reminder for blended families! I know how hard it can be for everyone to feel like they have a place
Completely agree with you 🙂
I really hate this conspiracy of “you’re trying to steal my child”, “step mums are bad because that’s what fairytales taught us” and so on. I was never in the situation to be a step mum or to have one, but I truly believe that when the Dad chooses a new partner is vital for him how his partner gets along with his children.
No one is trying to hurt kids. Divorce happens. Stop being paranoid and promoting hatred, world.
Thanks so much for your feedback Cristina. It’s so nice to hear this from someone who isn’t a stepmom but understands. I really think that having a step parent in a kids life means more people to love, cherish and support that child 🙂
This was a really good read. I am not in that situation, but I can so see what you are saying and it must be really, really hard. I did love reading the section about wanting to get along with the bio-mom. I think Hollywood really likes to play up the drama.
Thanks Kristin 🙂 The getting along with bio-mom part I truly believe all stepmoms want, but unfortunately a lot of bio-moms don’t want this. There are some amazing bio-moms out there too that are SO good with the bonus moms in their kids lives, so us stepmoms just keep on hoping we will experience this too one day!
Beautifully said Yolanda, your post totally warmed my heart. Your step sons are sure lucky to have someone like you.
Thank you so much Veronica 🙂
<3 It sounds like you are a wonderful, loving stepmom! I hope this post touches women and brings healing to even a few step and bio moms!
Thank you so much Susannah 🙂 I too hope this article provides healing and gives a different perspective on step parenting.
Yes I agree with you especially #4. Love this too: “We are involved because we choose to be.”
I thoroughly enjoyed your post on Stepmoms. The boys are very fortunate to have you as their loving & caring Stepmom.
Thanks so much 🙂 I’m lucky to have them too xo
Dear Yolanda – both your posts on infertility and stepmoms have moved me to tears and I don’t usually react that way. Through the sadness, madness and turmoil, you have come through the other side a strong human being with a such a lot of love to give. Thanks for allowing me to follow this enlightening and very personal side of you. Big love Hazel xxx
Your message means so much to me Hazel. Thank you and lots of love back xoxo
Hi,
I can’t thank you enough for posting that!!
Really heartful insightful and honest!! It really made me want to send it to my step-sons mother.
Thank you
Hi Laura – thanks so much for your feedback! Writing this was my first step – we’ll see if I ever have the courage to send it to the bio mom though! Hopefully she’ll come across it online. Take care 🙂
Thank you! I hope its Ok I sent you a DM on FB 🙂
Of course, and thank you for reaching out 🙂 I just wrote back to you.