The Sadness and Struggles that Infertility Brings. What I’ve Learned.
Infertility struggles are very real in our home. The closest we ever got to conceiving our own child was creating an embryo. When going through years of infertility you can get very attached to your embryo (blastocyst).
You feel excited that you actually created the beginning of a child with the one you love. You think about that embryo growing, moving and developing into the only dream you have in life. You think about what you’ll call her, what she will look like. Will she have my green eyes, will she have his olive skin? Will she tell the same cheesy jokes like her dad? Will she be kind? You start to fall in love with her.
You think, maybe it’s going to happen for us this time. Why wouldn’t it? We are good people, we deserve to have a child of our own.
The two-week wait continues until you finally receive that dreaded call from the fertility clinic. You’re hopeful as you wait to hear the words you can only dream of. You hold your breath… until gut-wrenching words are said from a lab technician who’s making his 9th call of the day, “I am so sorry, you are not pregnant.”
Related: How to Live with Infertility. 6 Tips for Healing
Related: A Message to Childless Hopeful Parents
Going through this experience over and over changes you. The pain of infertility builds a hard exterior around you, even though you feel like a lost child inside. Nothing else matters in your life anymore. The only thing you want you can’t have.
Infertility is a sad lonely place. Know that you are not alone. #infertiilty #infertilityawareness #infertilitysucks Click To Tweet
WELCOME TO THE STRUGGLES OF INFERTILITY.
My diagnosis: “Unexplained Infertility.” That’s right. Doctors don’t know why I can’t conceive. Oh and the reason we can’t conceive is definitely me. My hubby’s swimmers have actually been referred to as Michael Phelps from doctors!
All my tests look fantastic and “for my age” I have better than average results. I’ve been told that people with fewer follicles, lower estrogen, with 1 ovary and partners with poor sperm quality can still conceive, so we should have absolutely no problem!
Our Reality: 2 fertility clinics. Years of ‘timed trying’. 2 rounds of IUI. 3 rounds of IVF.
All this over a period of 3 years and thousands of dollars spent. We were only ever able to make 2 good quality embryos. Nothing ever worked. I received the “you’re not pregnant” phone call 8 times. Each time I lost a little more of myself.
We’d had enough. We could not go through the treatment process again. The physical, mental and emotional strain of trying to conceive had changed me. I didn’t know who I was anymore.
The toughest part about not being able to have your own child (apart from not getting pregnant), is that people don’t know how to act around you. They don’t know what to say and have no idea about the level of pain you’ve endured.
Due to this, they start calling less, they stop inviting you out and you begin to feel more and more alone. Depression sets in and you pull yourself away from all social situations. This is a vicious cycle and if you’re not careful you can literally hit rock bottom, which I did.
Now that it’s been 5 years of trying to conceive, here are 8 infertility struggles I’d like to share:
After 5 years of trying to conceive here's what I have to say about #infertility... #infertilityawareness #infertilitysucks Click To Tweet
1. MY PAIN TOLERANCE IS PRETTY GOOD!
Medications, needles, exams, oh my! During IVFs, my ovaries became so large, apparently the size of baseballs (totally NOT normal). I actually looked 3 months pregnant. I couldn’t wear 90% of my wardrobe. During my first IVF I was actually having trouble walking I was in so much pain. By the time I had my last IVF I didn’t even care about the needles. I was an IVF warrior.
2. I’VE BEEN ABLE TO LAUGH AT THE SITUATION (SORT OF).
There are resources out there…IVF.ca for example, where you can connect with people through forums to talk about all aspects of trying to conceive (TTC for infertile veterans). Many times, I would find boards with people sharing TTC jokes. Here are a few good ones…
- “If a tree falls in the forest, can anyone hear it? If an infertile bangs her head against the wall in a bathroom at a baby shower, can anyone hear her?”
- “Don’t cry over spilt milk (unless you’re crying because you don’t have breast milk, then it’s okay to cry).”
- You know you are TTC (trying to conceive) when somebody asks you the date and you respond with “day 11”.
Find a laugh here: Couple finds humour in infertility with pregnancy announcement parodies
Related: The Funny Side of Infertility
3. INFERTILITY FEELS LIKE A DIRTY WORD!
Writing this post is a HUGE step for me. I know its not my fault that I can’t conceive, yet I can’t help but feel like an outcast at times. There was an occasion at work a couple years ago where someone in my department had bad kidney stones. This was during the same week that my 2nd IVF failed. I was devastated, yet I felt I couldn’t tell anyone around me. My colleagues sent sweet messages to my teammate (which I understand – kidney stones are seriously painful). This, however, was while I was going through one of the most emotionally and physically painful times. By starting to talk about infertility, I hope that it can be less of a taboo subject and more openly discussed. Looking back I wish I felt more comfortable sharing.
Let's talk about #infertility, so that it can be less of a taboo subject and more openly discussed. #infertilityawareness #infertilitysucks Click To Tweet
4. I SHOULD HAVE ASKED FOR HELP… AND NOT PUSHED PEOPLE AWAY.
Due to the immense pain of infertility, I was having a hard time getting through daily life, never mind going out socially. I pushed a lot of the people I love away, partly because I felt no one understood my situation and partly because I was in denial and I couldn’t handle the elephant in the room wherever I went.
Related: Dear Future Mama. A Note to All Women Who Plan to Conceive
5. BEING INFERTILE FEELS LIKE MOURNING THE LOSS OF A CHILD YOU NEVER HAD.
It takes A LOT of time to deal with this loss. Period. If you have a friend going through this process, please check in on them. They need you.
6. Sometimes I’M NOT ABLE TO ATTEND YOUR CHILD’S (ENTER SPECIAL OCCASION HERE).
Trust me – I want to and I feel guilty about this. I love your child, but I’m still grieving and don’t want to cry in the bathroom at your special event. I’m actually much better at celebrating in a more intimate setting with you and not around tons of people.
7. PLEASE DON’T TELL ME “IT WASN’T MEANT TO BE.”
Yes, this has been said to me on more than one occasion. Be thoughtful people. Never ever say this to someone who can’t have kids. It’s not “meant to be” that an unfit parent can reproduce, so it shouldn’t be “meant to be” that a loving hopeful mother can’t conceive.
8. DON’T SAY… “JUST ADOPT.”
Firstly, adoption is an extremely hard process to go through, sometimes taking many years to find a child. There are also some instances if the bio mother proves to child services that she’s stepped it up, you can have your adopted child taken away from you up to a year of adopting them. This seems crazy, but the system has its flaws. Also, adoption is not always the best option for a couple who can’t conceive since the pain of infertility is most likely very present. My hubby and I talk a lot about adoption, but I don’t want to adopt as a second choice. I want to adopt as a first choice. Time will tell what path we take.
Sharing my personal story of infertility is scary, but I hope others going through a similar situation may read this and not feel so alone. Getting this off my chest also feels great.
Infertility Resources:
- IVF.ca
- BabyCenter – Support for Diagnosed Infertility
- It Starts with the Egg, by Rebecca Feet. Amazing book that gives you real insight on how to improve egg quality. Many Naturopaths that specialize in fertility follow this book as well.
- There are also a lot of private groups on Facebook. Just search for ‘infertility’.
A Few Thanks… Thank god I had certain individuals in my life through all of this.
- My hubby who was literally my nurse, giving me 5-6 needles a day (at times). He ignored my crazy mood swings and has only ever been loving and supportive to me.
- My close friend who called me every day, listened to my heartache and let me cry on her shoulder for 3 years.
- My stepson who somehow knew when I was at my lowest and would give me extra hugs and kisses (even though he had no idea what myself and his Dad were going through).
- My parents, who went through this pain every step of the way. They listened to my daily medical updates on follicle counts and hormone levels (oh so fun).
I love you all and am so thankful you were there through every step of this treacherous journey.
Do you also have infertility struggles of your own? Or, do you know someone struggling with infertility? I hope you found some comfort in my personal account.
I’d also love to hear from you. Please feel free to email me any time at putthekettleonca@gmail.com
xo
Found this helpful? Please share!
The struggles of Infertility and 8 lessons learned. #infertility #infertilitysucks #infertilityawareness Click To Tweet
Beautiful post, very heartfelt and honest, I admire your courage to talk about this x
Thanks Pheebs. Just talking about this feels like good therapy. The idea of it has always frightened me, but its out there now! xoxo
great article. From someone who has been there…… 8 yrs of trying…… just wanted to put it out there that adoption is not your only option…….. other things to consider..,,,,,, donor eggs and or surrogacy……. I used a surrogate to have my little miracle and it was the best option for us. YES extremely expensive on top of the money i am sure you have already spent……. but definitely worth thinking about and investigating ……… My prayers are with you on your journey to parenthood.
Thanks for your note Nadia and I appreciate your kind words 🙂
So proud of you for sharing your heartfelt story, Yolanda!
Thank you 🙂 It feels good to get my feelings out there xo
Yolanda – thanks for this insight into your plight and also what life has been like for the past few years. Here’s hoping that someday, somehow you will get a tiny miracle of your own.
Much love
Hazel xxx
Thanks Hazel 🙂 xoxo
I had no idea you’ve been going through this. 🙁
Thank you for sharing, sending lots of love.
Helen xxx
Hey you – we haven’t connected for so long! It’s hard with over 4000 miles between us. Thanks for the note Hels. Next time I’m in England I would love to see you. xoxo
Thanks for sharing this Yolanda – it’s amazing how therapeutic it can be to share your story xo
Joanna
Hi Joanna! It definitely felt nice to finally start talking about this road I’ve been on for so long. Thanks so much for your message 🙂
Thank you for writing this. As I was reading I felt like you were telling my story. We tried for almost 5years. 16 rounds of IUI and 1 round of IVF. We were lucky enough to get pregnant with twins.
Saying we went through a hard time is a gross understatement.
Thank you for sharing your story and shedding light on the story of countless others. God Bless.
Hi Natalie, Thanks for sharing. It’s always feels good to know that others have gone through this and understand this crazy experience – and congrats on your miracle babies xo
This must be so hard. I can’t even imagine… I just wish you and your husband all the best <3 And it's good to read you are blessed with some people around you who have been really supportive to you. Thank you for sharing.
This post is so honest and transparent. Thank you for allowing us to see inside your world and for taking us on your journey so we can keep you in our thoughts.
Hugs, infertility is HARD! But I don’t have to tell you that. We went through many year of infertility treatments and it all ended when I needed a hysterectomy when I was 29. In a way it was a relief to put those years of doctoring behind us, in another way it crushed me, because a hysterectomy was the end of the road.
Yolanda, I’m very sorry for your struggle. My daughter also suffers infertility and you’re right – it can feel like a dirty word. It’s the thing no one wants to talk about. We’ve tried hard to open some dialog and share the truth, the pain, and the reality of the struggle with others. Innocent words can be so very painful. But when people are made aware of the bigger picture, the load somehow seems lighter. Bless you in your efforts. I pray the Lord will move mightily and bring babies into you lives. <3
I can’t begin to imagine how difficult this process has been for you. Thank you for sharing your experience. I have a friend who also has infertility issues, and I often don’t know what to say or how to react. Your post is very helpful!
thanks for sharing even though it may be hard. I know what your going through. We tried for 3 years and lost 2 babies in that time. It is a hard ride and takes a strong soul. I hope that one day you will be able to find peace and happiness. You are brave!
You’re so brave for sharing this – thanks for educating us too, on what to say and not to.
I don’t think those jokes are funny.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m going through secondary infertility over here. I’m so tired of people asking me when we are going to have a second that I just straight up tell them that it’s not working for us. It’s seriously none of their business.
You are not alone! I am in year 6 xoxo.
Ugh. Sending you happy, healthy thoughts and payers. xo
Your blog stood out to me in a facebook blogging community today. I’m not sure why. I clicked, and for some reason, I was brought to this page almost instantly.
I needed to read this right now. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for 3 years now, and you just described our journey in a way I never would have been able to. Thank you for posting this. <3
Thanks so much for your note Ashley, and that’s great you found this post! Infertility is so insanely hard. I wish you and your husband so much happiness and good luck with everything. When one goes through years of trying to conceive I believe we see the world different, our relationships different and all of our experiences. Sending you a big virtual hug from someone who understands xo
My first two pregnancies were miscarried and the pain is unbelievable. I thought about writing about it but couldn’t. Thanks for having the courage to talk about this, I know you will help many people in their journey!
Your brave post gives a voice to so many others struggling with infertility!
Yolanda, I am sorry you have faced this struggle with infertility, it is so good that you are sharing a part of your journey with others. Reading this post, and the comments others have made in reply to it is proof that you are helping many others who are in a similar situation.
Thank you so much. Every time i would think i am reading about a person just like me i get to the end and they have conceived. So heart broken that i invested my time to only find out that she isn’t like me she doesnt know that she will NEVER have have a child. I deal with it every day and yes there is no “reason” i should be having problems. Thank you for letting me know i am truly not alone.
Thanks so much for writing Felicitas. I too experience this – read articles about infertility to find out that the person has kids. I am a stepmom but have never conceived which is a daily struggle. You are right – you are not alone and I’m sending a massive virtual hug your way. If you ever want to connect further feel free to email me xoxox