Living with infertility means you’ve put your life on hold and have most likely done everything in your power to work against the odds. Doing this impacts so many areas of life… no vacations, no new jobs, no plans at all and that doesn’t matter because after years of trying there is no money!
I waited to buy a car. I waited to leave my job. I waited to get married. ‘Trying’ to conceive prevented us from going away for weekends, as my body would dictate when I needed to return to the fertility clinic – usually at the most inconvenient times.
After trying for so long I’ve been doing everything in my power to move on. Deciding to stop fertility treatments wasn’t really a choice. The long-term physical and emotional pain that took hold of our lives told us it was time to stop, not to mention, the money we’d saved for treatments was well and truly gone.
Of course, we still hope every month that a miracle will happen, but we can’t let it rule our lives. It took me a LONG time to feel this way and not lose it when every month resulted in no pregnancy.
Living with infertility...We hope every month that a miracle will happen, but we can’t let it rule our lives. Click To TweetSo, today I will share the tactics I am using to maintain a sense of sanity and learn to look for the happiness in my day.
Side Note. I have literally looked for articles for ages on how to live with infertility or how to cope with infertility. Apparently, people do not write about this. At least, I can’t find it. I do know that if I ‘just relax’, ‘stop trying’, eat avocados and the core of a pineapple, plus stand on my head for 30 minutes a day that I will apparently fall pregnant right away. Yep! I’ll get right on that.
With that said, here are my feelings and the strategies I’ve been working on to move forward in life and live with infertility.
How to Live with Infertility. 6 Tips for Healing:
1. Take the time to heal.
Whether you’ve decided to stop ‘trying’, which is most likely one of the hardest decisions you’ve had to make or whether you just need to refocus your energy for a while, you know you must take the time to heal… for your heart, your health and your mind. Begin to focus on this process, even if it’s hard to accept. Know, that this first step can take time.
2. Distance yourself.
Part of your healing could mean removing yourself from situations that get you down. Know this: It’s okay to miss a baby shower. It’s okay to casually walk away from conversations when people start sharing pregnancy stories. And it’s okay to let people know that you are removing yourself because you can’t handle the pain at the moment and you need to find your path to recovery.
I missed a close friends baby shower, but I let her know why. Since she is such a good friend she understood. I felt bad for not being there but I knew there was no way I could handle it. Her baby shower literally fell at the same time I found out my 3rd and final IVF failed. What I did do was celebrate with her in my own way, in a way that worked for me.
3. Look for the Light.
Being sad is exhausting. Find time to focus on something different, but familiar. No, this will not take your pain away completely, but it will remind you who you were before you started trying to conceive. This is a great time to get back to that hobby you always loved, and a perfect time to enjoy it. Focus on boosting your serotonin levels. It may seem like a little thing, but it’s key to looking after you.
4. Expect rollercoasters.
I can go through a couple months of feeling like I am moving on from the pain of infertility, like I might just get past this. However, life is like a rollercoaster and just when you think you’re on a high, you come crashing down. When this happens, make sure to acknowledge your pain and share your feelings with your nearest and dearest. That’s what true friends are for, right?
5. Connect with others like you.
This is a huge step into not feeling so alone. Make sure to seek support, whether it’s connecting with others in Facebook groups or finding local groups through your doctor’s office or fertility clinic. Put yourself out there and talk when you do find people in a similar situation. Knowing you are not alone is a huge step in the healing process.
6. Don’t lose hope.
As crazy as it sounds, even though I am now 42 and after ‘trying’ for almost 5 years, I still have hope. Hope a miracle will happen, hope that I will make a huge impact on someone’s life like my parents have had on mine. Hope that the sadness will completely go away one day.
I’ll leave you with this and I’m going to say this out loud.
Not being able to have your own child is UNFAIR!
…But you know what, through this healing process all I can ever think is that I still want everything life has to offer – all the good stuff. If that means some things aren’t possible for me, but I can be blessed with other wonderful gifts, then I just have to appreciate what I do have.
Life is so short, and no one wants to grow old and bitter with sadness! So I share. I share with all of you and in hopes that my experience coping with infertility helps you if you’re in a similar situation or it helps you reach out to a friend who might be going through a hard time.
If you know someone dealing with infertility, please share this with them.
If you are living with infertility, my heart goes out to you – and I am always here to chat. Feel free to reach me at putthekettleonca@gmail.com xo
Related articles:
Dear Future Mama. A Note to All Women Who Plan to Conceive
A Message to Childless, Hopeful Parents
The Pain of Infertility and 8 Lessons Learned
Open Yourself Up to Happiness, Even When You’re Sad
Please spread the word on infertility awareness and share…
How to live with infertility. 6 tips to start healing today... #infertility #infertilityawareness Click To Tweet
I think tip # 6 is my favourite …. NEVER give up hope!
100% 🙂
I really appreciate you sharing this. I know it is difficult and so very personal. I have several friends who are walking this out. While not knowing what to say all the time, I decided that I would just listen. Listening has helped me to understand more and has helped them to be process, be angry, be sad, whatever…. I think that is an important aspect that many forget. Just being there helps too.
Listening is the BEST thing you can do as a friend – listening and letting them know you’re there for them.
Powerful post with very practical tips. Definitely sharing for those struggling. Thank you for the truths and wisdom here!
Thanks Nicole – much appreciated 🙂
So many hugs to you, lady. I love that you are sharing your experience to help others. Your words, your heart, will make a difference to someone who needs it today.
Aw, thanks Becca. Writing my experience is therapy for me – and if it helps others out then I know it’s definitely worth sharing. I wish I’d come across articles like this before. If only more people opened up about infertility issues.
Thank you for sharing such a powerful and much needed message. Yes it’s totally okay (and healthy) to be honest about how you feel, yet I felt so much positivity in your words also. Thank you.
Thanks so much Gem. I’ve come a long way, but am still healing little by little. Acceptance is the toughest thing of all.
This is such an emotional and personal post – I have shared the link on my reg PainPals feature Monday Magic – Inspiring Blogs for You! Thank you! Claire x (https://painpalsblog.wordpress.com/2018/02/26/monday-magic-inspiring-blogs-for-you-38/)
Thanks so much Claire – I appreciate the share 🙂
I’ve been through this myself for a period of a few years. I think these tips is are spot on. 💗
Thank you for sharing this post, Yolanda. It is so important that we start talking about infertility; it impacts far too many women not to do so. Your tips to take time to heal and to distance yourself from the situation go so well together; in fact, I think they’re critical when overcoming any struggle. And connecting with others is a key aspect, too. It’s so helpful when we know know we’re not alone. Keep sharing your story – it’s such an important one for so many women. <3
such a powerful post- these tips are great for a friend of mine whose going through this!
This. SO MUCH this.
I love your Side Note above…add to that: six million different essential oils (they have to be brand-specific, mind you), plus losing 10 lb or more via a certain MLM dieting program. (Insert hard eye roll.)
It’s painful, especially when these suggestions are so often written by people who have 3+ biological kids of their own or are just out to make a buck. Ugh!
Your #2 suggestion is my go-to. I get so frustrated sometimes, as terrible as that sounds. I just don’t want to be around it, so I opt out.
And, at the end, when you said “Not being able to have your own child is unfair!” — that’s truth. I do have a miracle baby of my own, but I remember thinking that. Hey, I still feel frustrated when I see a pregnant woman step aside to reveal four other children around her, when I know it took a miracle to have my first and will take another, possibly even bigger miracle for me to have another…
Circumstances may be different, but you’re not alone in your feelings.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
Prayers!
Andrea – I am so happy this post resonated with you. You know where I am coming from! Yes, it does seem that everyone has a solution on how to get pregnant – which I always find interesting as these people most likely didn’t struggle. After going through all of these fertility treatments I can honestly say that I know WAY more about the female reproductive system than 99% of moms who’ve given birth!! I could write a book lol Thanks again for your amazing feedback xo
This touched me in so many ways! Thank you so much for sharing this! We are in our journey right now and are veering toward adoption. I’m praying so hard for your heart to heal girl!
Aw, thanks for sharing Lacey and thank you for your kind words xo I wish you all the best in your journey. I hope all goes well with the adoption process xoxo
This text came up just today when I decided to give up. I lost my first child in a pregnancy with a premature baby, he borned with 6 months and to small. That was in January 2016. I took a entire year to feel read to star try again. Naturally, because I don’t want IVF… Today 14 months after crying every cicle when nothing happens and with almost 40 years I decided let go and move on. This decision was the most difficult that I did because the miracle didn’t happen… And the only question is Why?
Hi Valeria, Thanks so much for your note and sharing your story. So heartbreaking for you 🙁 Finally deciding to move on is the hardest decision, but I think it can be healing too. I also don’t know why this happens to some of us. It’s just not fair. I sincerely hope you find peace and happiness xo
All beautifully said. Thank you. I struggled with secondary infertility. Everyone thought it wasn’t a big deal cause I already had a child. That just made it more confusing to me. That I was able to successfully get pregnant once why couldn’t it happen again? This is something that people on the outside just can’t understand. I found help in others that went through the same thing. Rachel from Explore Kid Talk
Hi Rachel – thanks so much for your note. Infertility is so hard no matter which way it comes to you. For those of us who have never been able to give birth, it might be hard for us to understand fully, but I can imagine it’s still so painful and would certainly play with your mind heavily when there were no troubles the first time around. Such a struggle xo
Thank you so much for sharing this Yolanda. xxx
You are welcome Mallaury 🙂
Thank you for sharing. Everything you said is helpful for dealing with infertility in general. there is a book on how to cope that helped me SO much. conquering infertility – by Alice Domar. You can find it on Amazon! I wish you the best of luck. I’m glad you are finding happiness no matter what=)
Hi Kate, Thanks so much for sharing that book. I’m going to pick it up. It’s so hard to find people writing about the topic of healing xoxo
Thank you so much. I have been trying to find something or someone that is at this point. I started to make peace at turning 40 last week it has been hard and will be. Thank you 10 fold for letting me see i am not the only one that is trying to live past this.
Thanks so much for reaching out. It also helps me when I hear from people like you. We really aren’t alone sadly, but it is good to know that there is support out there. Sending you lots of happiness now that you’ve entered the 40’s! I’m 42 now and it’s not bad at all. Hugs xoxo
Thank you so much for writing this. My husband and I are currently having issues with infertility and while my friends and family are supportive, there is always a feeling of loneliness in this journey. I feel like people often don’t talk about infertility which makes this journey so much more isolating. Sending positive vibes your way and to everyone here sharing similar stories.
It’s also therapeutic to me to read your story and everyone’s stories here. I agree it’s not fair! I always wanted a big family, and I’m an RN in labor and delivery, and I help families grow for a living! Eventually I was blessed with one miracle baby who is now 13. But nine years after giving up trying for more, it still hurts when a patient asks me why I didn’t want more than 1? Because I did. I wanted 3. And my heart still aches for the babies that I didn’t get to have. It’s strange to feel this way sometimes, I treasure my son more than anything. But the fact remains that it’s an invisible disease. People don’t talk about it and don’t understand. PCOS and Endometriosis and Surgery have taken me to a place mentally that I never expected. I always still had hope until the finality of my diagnosis came 2 years ago after surgery showed stage 3 Endo and I had to have a tube removed b/c of it. That was a hard time for me. And I’m still learning to cope with it. And it’s hard some days more than others. So thank you for providing a space to let me share my story too with women who understand. I too am almost 41 and there isn’t a guidebook to navigate these feelings. What has helped me is Brain Spotting and EMDR therapy with a licensed PsyhoTherapist who specializes in Grief work. My heart goes out to all the women in this post, and those searching who haven’t found it yet, Hugs to you and may you find Peace and Happiness.
Amy, Thank you so much for telling your story. It helps me and others here. It certainly is a silent disease that no one truly understands unless you’ve been there. I am now 42 and have to work through my feelings every single day. I think it will always be with me, but as time moves by I’m doing my best to focus on my blessings in life. Of course, that doesn’t take away from the feeling, desire and human need to conceive. I have tried EMDR therapy with my therapist as well. I had never heard of it before, but it is really powerful and can be helpful. Sending big hugs and love to you and here’s hoping we can all build strength together.xoxoxo
Thank you so much for this post. I’ve been dealing with infertility for almost two years now, and I think one of the hardest things is feeling like you can never heal from it unless you get that positive pregnancy test. It’s so hard to see all the other positive things in life when you are disappointed month after month. I recently heard the suggestion that when one of your dreams is stalled or out of your reach then it’s time to work on another dream until you can do something about the first one. I often felt like pausing or letting go was “giving up” and now I feel like it’s okay to still live my life even if my dream to become a mother isn’t where I’d like it to be. Because if I don’t, I will drown in this grief, and I have been. So thank you for this post because it just reinforced the idea that I can honor my grief and I can be angry that life isn’t fair, and still really want to be a mother, but I can also try to let go a little, too. Best wishes on your journey.
Beautiful post Yolanda. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us. ❤️
Thanks Amy! xo
I needed to read this today. Thank you for writing this, and my heart goes out to you during your struggle. It’s a terrible one that I am going through as well. Yesterday I found out I couldn’t do my first IUI cycle because my estradiol levels were too high.
Hi Jaclyn – thanks for sharing and I’m happy you came across this. Sending you a big hug and a ton of happy, healthy thoughts your way. xo
Well said! A good description of life with infertility keep an eye on the word life though because infertility does not just affect your “fertile” years it is life long but in time you grieve the lost hope and find new ways.
When menopause happens and it’s usually about the time when others grandchildren start arriving .and round 2 of the pain happens and you can feel empty and worthless again
Find fulfilling things to do put ,the kettle on for others .
Offer yourself as babysitter for the exhausted fertile. After a session with some children you come out feeling thankful you don’t have the bother
Enjoy the world and your partner they are hurting too
Be full of joy
Hi Trish – Thanks so much for your note. Yes, I can see how infertility is something we have to live with forever. Not easy in any way. Thanks for sharing a little of your insight too. xo
We’ve tried to conceive for 10 years. I turned 40 this year and know pretty much our windows almost completely closed. I’m trying to hold on to the tiny bit of hope for our miracle but I find myself sinking into a deep depression, I go about my day normally but it feels like someone is putting a knife through my heart. Doesn’t help my brother in law. Just had twin girls and my husband’s family is absolutely smitten and they don’t understand why I don’t visit my nieces very much. I feel all alone, it’s amazing to read others have walked this road too, thank you for sharing!
Hi Michelle,
Infertility is a monster and is so hard to deal with, but I do find support in hearing from others like you, so thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry to hear it’s been such a challenge. During all of this do everything you can to look after yourself and do what’s best for you. Hang in there and if you ever want to chat more about this, feel free to email me anytime. Big hugs to you xo