43 Comments

  1. Thank you…this was a hard weekend, we made the decision to not move forward with medical treatment and my heart has been heavy. I am 44, although I still feel 25, and my mind can’t wrap around “giving up” yet. Your words were very helpful today. This weekend as I sat in church we decided we can no longer sit in the back row, I see every moment every other mother is having with her beautiful child, whether they are rocking a sleeping baby, laughing at their silly toddler or being frustrated with a screaming child…I’d give anything for those moments. As the tears were streaming down my face my husband loving asked if I wanted to go home. Accepting the rollercoaster is probably the hardest for me. So thank you for your thoughtful words and sharing your experiences.

    1. Sending you so much love and support Megan xox. Making that decision is a really tough one – I truly understand. Hold onto one another tightly and do everything you can to look after yourself right now. Thanks so much for your message.

  2. We’ve tried to conceive for 10 years. I turned 40 this year and know pretty much our windows almost completely closed. I’m trying to hold on to the tiny bit of hope for our miracle but I find myself sinking into a deep depression, I go about my day normally but it feels like someone is putting a knife through my heart. Doesn’t help my brother in law. Just had twin girls and my husband’s family is absolutely smitten and they don’t understand why I don’t visit my nieces very much. I feel all alone, it’s amazing to read others have walked this road too, thank you for sharing!

    1. Hi Michelle,
      Infertility is a monster and is so hard to deal with, but I do find support in hearing from others like you, so thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry to hear it’s been such a challenge. During all of this do everything you can to look after yourself and do what’s best for you. Hang in there and if you ever want to chat more about this, feel free to email me anytime. Big hugs to you xo

  3. Well said! A good description of life with infertility keep an eye on the word life though because infertility does not just affect your “fertile” years it is life long but in time you grieve the lost hope and find new ways.

    When menopause happens and it’s usually about the time when others grandchildren start arriving .and round 2 of the pain happens and you can feel empty and worthless again

    Find fulfilling things to do put ,the kettle on for others .

    Offer yourself as babysitter for the exhausted fertile. After a session with some children you come out feeling thankful you don’t have the bother
    Enjoy the world and your partner they are hurting too

    Be full of joy

    1. Hi Trish – Thanks so much for your note. Yes, I can see how infertility is something we have to live with forever. Not easy in any way. Thanks for sharing a little of your insight too. xo

  4. I needed to read this today. Thank you for writing this, and my heart goes out to you during your struggle. It’s a terrible one that I am going through as well. Yesterday I found out I couldn’t do my first IUI cycle because my estradiol levels were too high.

    1. Hi Jaclyn – thanks for sharing and I’m happy you came across this. Sending you a big hug and a ton of happy, healthy thoughts your way. xo

  5. Beautiful post Yolanda. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us. ❤️

  6. Thank you so much for this post. I’ve been dealing with infertility for almost two years now, and I think one of the hardest things is feeling like you can never heal from it unless you get that positive pregnancy test. It’s so hard to see all the other positive things in life when you are disappointed month after month. I recently heard the suggestion that when one of your dreams is stalled or out of your reach then it’s time to work on another dream until you can do something about the first one. I often felt like pausing or letting go was “giving up” and now I feel like it’s okay to still live my life even if my dream to become a mother isn’t where I’d like it to be. Because if I don’t, I will drown in this grief, and I have been. So thank you for this post because it just reinforced the idea that I can honor my grief and I can be angry that life isn’t fair, and still really want to be a mother, but I can also try to let go a little, too. Best wishes on your journey.

  7. It’s also therapeutic to me to read your story and everyone’s stories here. I agree it’s not fair! I always wanted a big family, and I’m an RN in labor and delivery, and I help families grow for a living! Eventually I was blessed with one miracle baby who is now 13. But nine years after giving up trying for more, it still hurts when a patient asks me why I didn’t want more than 1? Because I did. I wanted 3. And my heart still aches for the babies that I didn’t get to have. It’s strange to feel this way sometimes, I treasure my son more than anything. But the fact remains that it’s an invisible disease. People don’t talk about it and don’t understand. PCOS and Endometriosis and Surgery have taken me to a place mentally that I never expected. I always still had hope until the finality of my diagnosis came 2 years ago after surgery showed stage 3 Endo and I had to have a tube removed b/c of it. That was a hard time for me. And I’m still learning to cope with it. And it’s hard some days more than others. So thank you for providing a space to let me share my story too with women who understand. I too am almost 41 and there isn’t a guidebook to navigate these feelings. What has helped me is Brain Spotting and EMDR therapy with a licensed PsyhoTherapist who specializes in Grief work. My heart goes out to all the women in this post, and those searching who haven’t found it yet, Hugs to you and may you find Peace and Happiness.

    1. Amy, Thank you so much for telling your story. It helps me and others here. It certainly is a silent disease that no one truly understands unless you’ve been there. I am now 42 and have to work through my feelings every single day. I think it will always be with me, but as time moves by I’m doing my best to focus on my blessings in life. Of course, that doesn’t take away from the feeling, desire and human need to conceive. I have tried EMDR therapy with my therapist as well. I had never heard of it before, but it is really powerful and can be helpful. Sending big hugs and love to you and here’s hoping we can all build strength together.xoxoxo

  8. Stephanie says:

    Thank you so much for writing this. My husband and I are currently having issues with infertility and while my friends and family are supportive, there is always a feeling of loneliness in this journey. I feel like people often don’t talk about infertility which makes this journey so much more isolating. Sending positive vibes your way and to everyone here sharing similar stories.

  9. Felicitas says:

    Thank you so much. I have been trying to find something or someone that is at this point. I started to make peace at turning 40 last week it has been hard and will be. Thank you 10 fold for letting me see i am not the only one that is trying to live past this.

    1. Thanks so much for reaching out. It also helps me when I hear from people like you. We really aren’t alone sadly, but it is good to know that there is support out there. Sending you lots of happiness now that you’ve entered the 40’s! I’m 42 now and it’s not bad at all. Hugs xoxo

  10. Thank you for sharing. Everything you said is helpful for dealing with infertility in general. there is a book on how to cope that helped me SO much. conquering infertility – by Alice Domar. You can find it on Amazon! I wish you the best of luck. I’m glad you are finding happiness no matter what=)

    1. Hi Kate, Thanks so much for sharing that book. I’m going to pick it up. It’s so hard to find people writing about the topic of healing xoxo

    1. You are welcome Mallaury 🙂

  11. All beautifully said. Thank you. I struggled with secondary infertility. Everyone thought it wasn’t a big deal cause I already had a child. That just made it more confusing to me. That I was able to successfully get pregnant once why couldn’t it happen again? This is something that people on the outside just can’t understand. I found help in others that went through the same thing. Rachel from Explore Kid Talk

    1. Hi Rachel – thanks so much for your note. Infertility is so hard no matter which way it comes to you. For those of us who have never been able to give birth, it might be hard for us to understand fully, but I can imagine it’s still so painful and would certainly play with your mind heavily when there were no troubles the first time around. Such a struggle xo

  12. This text came up just today when I decided to give up. I lost my first child in a pregnancy with a premature baby, he borned with 6 months and to small. That was in January 2016. I took a entire year to feel read to star try again. Naturally, because I don’t want IVF… Today 14 months after crying every cicle when nothing happens and with almost 40 years I decided let go and move on. This decision was the most difficult that I did because the miracle didn’t happen… And the only question is Why?

    1. Hi Valeria, Thanks so much for your note and sharing your story. So heartbreaking for you 🙁 Finally deciding to move on is the hardest decision, but I think it can be healing too. I also don’t know why this happens to some of us. It’s just not fair. I sincerely hope you find peace and happiness xo

  13. This touched me in so many ways! Thank you so much for sharing this! We are in our journey right now and are veering toward adoption. I’m praying so hard for your heart to heal girl!

    1. Aw, thanks for sharing Lacey and thank you for your kind words xo I wish you all the best in your journey. I hope all goes well with the adoption process xoxo

  14. This. SO MUCH this.
    I love your Side Note above…add to that: six million different essential oils (they have to be brand-specific, mind you), plus losing 10 lb or more via a certain MLM dieting program. (Insert hard eye roll.)
    It’s painful, especially when these suggestions are so often written by people who have 3+ biological kids of their own or are just out to make a buck. Ugh!
    Your #2 suggestion is my go-to. I get so frustrated sometimes, as terrible as that sounds. I just don’t want to be around it, so I opt out.
    And, at the end, when you said “Not being able to have your own child is unfair!” — that’s truth. I do have a miracle baby of my own, but I remember thinking that. Hey, I still feel frustrated when I see a pregnant woman step aside to reveal four other children around her, when I know it took a miracle to have my first and will take another, possibly even bigger miracle for me to have another…
    Circumstances may be different, but you’re not alone in your feelings.
    Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
    Prayers!

    1. Andrea – I am so happy this post resonated with you. You know where I am coming from! Yes, it does seem that everyone has a solution on how to get pregnant – which I always find interesting as these people most likely didn’t struggle. After going through all of these fertility treatments I can honestly say that I know WAY more about the female reproductive system than 99% of moms who’ve given birth!! I could write a book lol Thanks again for your amazing feedback xo

  15. such a powerful post- these tips are great for a friend of mine whose going through this!

  16. Thank you for sharing this post, Yolanda. It is so important that we start talking about infertility; it impacts far too many women not to do so. Your tips to take time to heal and to distance yourself from the situation go so well together; in fact, I think they’re critical when overcoming any struggle. And connecting with others is a key aspect, too. It’s so helpful when we know know we’re not alone. Keep sharing your story – it’s such an important one for so many women. <3

  17. I’ve been through this myself for a period of a few years. I think these tips is are spot on. 💗

    1. Thanks so much Claire – I appreciate the share 🙂

  18. Thank you for sharing such a powerful and much needed message. Yes it’s totally okay (and healthy) to be honest about how you feel, yet I felt so much positivity in your words also. Thank you.

    1. Thanks so much Gem. I’ve come a long way, but am still healing little by little. Acceptance is the toughest thing of all.

  19. So many hugs to you, lady. I love that you are sharing your experience to help others. Your words, your heart, will make a difference to someone who needs it today.

    1. Aw, thanks Becca. Writing my experience is therapy for me – and if it helps others out then I know it’s definitely worth sharing. I wish I’d come across articles like this before. If only more people opened up about infertility issues.

  20. Powerful post with very practical tips. Definitely sharing for those struggling. Thank you for the truths and wisdom here!

    1. Thanks Nicole – much appreciated 🙂

  21. I really appreciate you sharing this. I know it is difficult and so very personal. I have several friends who are walking this out. While not knowing what to say all the time, I decided that I would just listen. Listening has helped me to understand more and has helped them to be process, be angry, be sad, whatever…. I think that is an important aspect that many forget. Just being there helps too.

    1. Listening is the BEST thing you can do as a friend – listening and letting them know you’re there for them.

  22. I think tip # 6 is my favourite …. NEVER give up hope!

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