10 Ways To Stop Being a People Pleaser

Are you being true to yourself and living your best life? Or do you focus most of your time and energy on making the people around you happy?

If it’s the latter, you may be a people pleaser.

People-pleasing is a common behavior pattern that involves going out of one’s way to ensure everyone around them is content regardless of the cost or sacrifice to their own well-being.

While there’s nothing wrong with being kind to others, people-pleasers take it to the extreme. 

They engage in a harmful pattern of self-sacrifice and neglect, often basing their self-worth and identity on the approval of those around them. It’s not a healthy way to live your life. 

10 Signs You’re a People Pleaser

If you’re unsure whether you’re a people pleaser, here are some signs to look out for.

• You have a hard time saying no, even when you don’t have the capacity to do something or it doesn’t align with your values.
• You struggle to create and maintain personal boundaries.
• Guilt plagues you if you don’t do what someone else expects of you.
• You make yourself small and unimportant so as not to draw attention or conflict to yourself.
• You pretend to agree with someone even when you know they’re wrong.
• Your self-worth is often dependent on the approval of others.
• You suppress your true feelings. 
• You’re frequently bending over backward for others, going out of your way to care for their needs.
• You’re often worried about how people perceive you, seek approval from those around you, and struggle with a fear of rejection.
• You strive to be perfect to avoid criticism. 

Did any of those behaviors resonate with you? Do you see yourself described in that list?

If so, you’re exhibiting people-pleasing tendencies.

While you might not be a full-fledged people pleaser, taking action is vital before those habits become more ingrained in your life.

What’s Wrong With Being a People Pleaser?

While it may feel like putting other people’s needs first is a good thing, doing so can harm your mental and physical health.

It can also signify other mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, or codependency. 

To further explain the detriment of this behavior, Reina Gattuso wrote in TalkSpace:

“People pleasers are motivated by a strong desire for approval and external validation, and may be insecure in their relationships. This insecurity makes them conform to other people’s opinions and expectations — even when they don’t want to — and can make it hard for them to say “no” when they are presented with something they genuinely don’t want or like.” 

As you can see, always putting others before yourself is a bad thing and can lead to feelings of resentment, guilt, and anxiety. It can also leave you feeling taken advantage of or undervalued.

In addition, people pleasers tend to neglect themselves in favor of others, leading to long-term stress and anxiety.

They often struggle with low self-esteem and a lack of confidence as they subconsciously believe their worth is based on the opinions of others.

These negative feelings can leave you feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and exhausted. 

The good news? The first step in overcoming a bad habit is acknowledging that it exists. Once you do, you can take small steps to break the habit and create a life you love. 

10 Tips To Stop Being A People Pleaser

If you’re ready to break the cycle of people-pleasing, here are some specific skills you can work on: 

1. Don’t Put The Needs of Others First

If you’ve ever flown, you’ve likely heard the flight attendant’s speech about taking care of your own needs first in the event of a crash. This is because you can’t reach over and help your neighbour if you pass out from a lack of oxygen.

Even though you’re probably not in an airplane right now, the analogy still applies.

You must strap your mask on first before focusing on those around you. 

So put “care for your own needs” at the top of your “to-do” list. Otherwise, you’ll end up depleted and unable to help anyone, including yourself.

2. Set Healthy Boundaries

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”

Brené Brown, professor and author

Clear boundaries are an essential part of self-care. They establish what you are and aren’t willing to accept in your life. People will take advantage of you if you don’t set and enforce boundaries.

Unfortunately, setting boundaries might seem selfish if you’re a people pleaser. You may feel like you’re letting people down if you don’t agree with their requests or demands.

That’s why it’s essential to remember that boundaries are not selfish.

They’re necessary.

Boundaries are there to protect and preserve your sanity, so don’t be afraid to set them.

3. Listen To Your Inner Voice

 “Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow know what you truly want to become.”

Steve Jobs

Although it can be difficult to differentiate at times, your intuition will almost always tell you whether something is good for you or not.

Before making decisions, take the time to check in with yourself and listen to your inner voice. If it’s telling you no, don’t ignore it! 

If you’ve ignored your intuition and have been people-pleasing for a long time, getting in touch with your true self might take some practice. So be patient.

• Start by pausing for a moment the next time someone makes a request. During this time, assess the situation and see if it’s something you want to do.
• Ask yourself if you’re willing and able to do this thing. 
• Then, see if your body is sending off any warning signs. An increased heart rate, sudden stillness, or muscle tension are all signals that might indicate that this is not something you want to do.
• Trust your instincts, listen to your body, and be honest about what you want. The more often you practice this skill, the easier it will become.

4. Learn How To Say No

If you’re constantly saying yes when you mean no, it’s time to learn to give a polite and firm “no” when something doesn’t suit you.

Saying no can be challenging for some people, but it’s essential for your mental health. It allows you to take a step back from requests and determine if they align with your values and goals.

However, if you’re used to saying yes, the word “no” might feel strange. If it does, get with a trusted family member or friend and ask them to help you practice. 

Role-play different scenarios in which you would need to say no. Start with a low-stake situation to gain confidence and move on to larger requests.

You’ll build your assertiveness muscles by practicing until saying no becomes second nature.

5. Don’t Justify Your No

“No” is a complete sentence. Period. 

You don’t need to share excuses or justifications as to why you don’t want to do something. If you add those, the person asking may try to modify their request to fit within the lines of the excuse you just gave.

For example: If you say you’re busy on a specific day and can’t complete the request, the asker may suggest you do it the next day instead. Then you have to come up with another excuse.

It’s better (and easier) to just say no. Remember, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for saying no, not even a loved one.

6. Prepare For Pushback

By being a people pleaser, you have taught those around you to expect your agreement.

So when you start standing up for yourself and setting boundaries, it might have a negative impact on them. They may react in surprise or even anger. 

However, don’t let the fear of this or the reactions of others keep you from making changes. You have the right to stop being a people pleaser and put your own needs first. 

Remind yourself that it’s ok not to please everyone, and stick to your guns even if someone disagrees with you.

You are worthy of respect and don’t need to apologize for taking care of yourself!

7. Prioritize Self-Care

When was the last time you did something that helped increase your own happiness? As a people pleaser, you might have lost touch with what makes you feel good. 

However, taking care of your needs is essential to maintaining healthy relationships. It’s filling up your cup so you can pour into others.

We all need to find ways to recharge our batteries, and self-care can be a great way of doing that.

So think of things that make you happy, and make it a point to do those activities regularly.

Here are a few ideas to get you started: 

• Taking a hot bath
• Going for a leisurely stroll
• Exercising
• Coloring
• Practicing a hobby
• Baking 
• Watching a movie

Whatever helps you feel refreshed and recharged, make time for it!

“If you don’t love yourself, nobody will. Not only that, you won’t be good at loving anyone else. Loving starts with the self.”

– Wayne Dyer

8. Practice Positive Self Talk

Positive self-talk is one of the best ways to eliminate negative thoughts that encourage your people-pleasing behavior.

When you feel guilty for saying no or think you’re being selfish for putting yourself first, counter those thoughts with positive affirmations.

Remind yourself that it’s essential to take care of yourself and why it’s ok to make decisions that don’t please everyone.

9. Seek Professional Help

If you’re having a hard time saying no to others, it may be helpful to seek professional help.

A therapist can provide the skills and tools to break free from this unhealthy habit.

They will also help you build self-esteem, set boundaries, and learn to make decisions that feel right for you.

10. Start Helping Others (On Your Own Terms)

Not being a people pleaser doesn’t mean you never help anyone, but it does mean that your help is no longer based on the need to please others. 

Instead, it’s a conscious choice and one that will bring you more peace and contentment than playing the role of a people pleaser ever did. 

So when a request comes in, evaluate it and decide if it’s something you’d like to do. You can help because you genuinely want to, but don’t say yes just because you feel obligated to do so.

Be Patient With Yourself 

Above all, be patient with yourself. It takes time to break free from people-pleasing and embrace your authentic self.

As you work through the steps above, remember that it’s ok to make mistakes along the way. Just carry on and keep in mind that this is a journey of growth and self-discovery. 

You may stumble here and there, but eventually, you will find the peace and joy that come from putting yourself first.

Are you a recovering people pleaser? What strategies did you use to stop?

If you’re comfortable doing so, please share your experiences in the comments below… 

More Self-Love Resources:

• What are Boundaries & Why Are They Important?
• 15 Traits of a Toxic Person and How to Deal with Them
• 10 Ways To Focus on Yourself and Not Others