10 Signs of a Fair-Weather Friend + How To Heal & Let Go

No matter who you are or what stage you’re currently at in life, you’ve experienced fair-weather friends. Those people who seem like they love you, they’re always up for a good time, but when it truly matters, they’re nowhere to be found.

So, how do we recognize fair-weather friends in life? And more importantly, how do we let go of them so we can heal and be at peace?

Let’s dive in so you can move forward and focus on the friendships that fill your soul, not the ones that leave you feeling empty.

What is a Fair-Weather Friend?

A fair-weather friend shows up when the weather is good, when things are sunny.

However, they completely disappear the moment things get a little grey, never mind if there is a complete downpour. 

They may like to have fun with you and enjoy being with you when life is going well; however, when you need a friend for support, to understand or listen, or to put themselves in your shoes, they never seem to be available or interested.

Examples:

• They never ask about your life – everything is about them
• They want you to be there for them, but don’t show up when you need someone
• You might text or leave messages when you need to talk, but they’re always ‘too busy’ to get back to you.

If you have too many fair-weather friends, you might feel lonely in your relationships even if your calendar is full.

My Personal Story of Fair-Weather Friends

I personally lost 3 friends of mine when I was going through a tough time in my life – a long journey of trying to get pregnant, multiple failed IVFs, thousands of dollars spent, with the outcome of no pregnancy but years of deep depression instead.

These friends didn’t understand, nor did they want to. 

They weren’t empathetic to the fact that I was struggling so badly that I had lost myself completely.

And when I needed them most, when I was entering a program for depression at a mental health hospital in my city, they dropped me, after almost 30 years of friendship.

I was devastated and even dream about them to this day – even though this was almost 6 years ago now.

I never knew it, until all of this trauma I experienced, but all 3 of these people were just fair-weather friends. There for the good, and they walked away when things got uncomfortable for them. 

Who wants to deal with someone who has depression and cries all the time anyway? (At least that’s what I told myself)

Now that I realize that their actions were about them and not me, I still need to create more time to heal from this.

–

I’m sure you have your own version of this story, especially when you’ve experienced trauma.

So, I’m here to say that it’s important to take the time to heal so you and I can move forward and recognize the truly important people in our lives who love us and want to support us even when it gets uncomfortable. 

10 Signs of a Fair-Weather Friend

1. They’re Present During Good Times Only

These friends show up when life is going well. They’ll attend parties, celebrations, and fun nights out.

They are most likely fun to be around and you’ll enjoy time together, but you can’t rely on them for more.

2. They Avoid Emotional Conversations

They shut down, change the subject, or disappear when you need support, advice, or a shoulder to cry on.

3. They Make Everything About Themselves

When you open up, they redirect the conversation back to their own life or problems, or offer little empathy.

4. They Don’t Check In On You

No matter how hard the situation is, they don’t check in on you.

You’re always the one initiating contact, and the relationship feels one-sided. If you go quiet, they don’t seem to care or notice.

5. They Disappear When You’re Struggling

Whether you’re sick, grieving, or going through a rough patch, they become distant or completely absent. 

Even if you reach out, text, or leave messages, you most likely won’t hear back from them.

6. They’re Supportive… As Long as It’s Easy

They might say, “I’m here for you,” but when you actually need them, they’re busy, distracted, or unavailable.

This is a prime example of saying they’ll be supportive, but their actions never align with their words.

7. They Resurface When Things Are Going Well Again

Once your life gets back on track, suddenly they’re interested again, as if nothing happened. 

When this does happen, they will never bring up what you went through. They won’t ask and even if you share, they’ll seem uncomfortable and uninterested.

8. They Brush Off Your Experience

Even when dealing with highly traumatic events, they might say things like…

• You’ll get over it
• Other people have experienced worse
• It’s not so bad
• It wasn’t meant to be
• It’ll be fine

When these things are said, it’s in an effort to close the conversation so they don’t have to listen to what’s going on with you.

9. You Feel Drained and Deflated After Time Spent Together

After you’ve spent time together, you leave conversations feeling exhausted. You might even be replaying the conversation in your mind, wondering if you said something wrong.

10. They Criticize You

Instead of trying to be empathetic and step into your shoes, they criticize you instead. 

I literally had a friend say to me once, ‘if you wanted to lose weight, you would just lose it.’

Yeah, easy for someone who was severely depressed at the time and on medication that affects weight.

Talk about having zero understanding and thinking people are just robots and can turn the ‘do it’ button on.

This same person would criticize me constantly without me asking for advice, which made me feel extremely nervous and unable to relax around them, not to mention self-conscious.

Related: 15 Traits of a Toxic Person & How To Deal With It

The Emotional Toll of Realizing Your Friendship Isn’t What You Thought It Was

When you think someone is a ride or die – someone who will be friends with you for life, and they turn out to be a fairweather friend, it can feel devastating.

There are things you might love about this person, but you know and understand that they aren’t good for you, and they will continue to hurt you.

When this happens, you’ll experience a wide range of emotions. These are some of the emotions I’ve experienced…

• Rejected
• Feeling unliked, unloved
• Abandoned
• Confused
• Grief
• Lonely
• Self-doubt
• Betrayed

How To Move On: 7 Things To Consider

This is the time to do the work, especially if you’re at a loss and feel a lot of hurt.

Here are some things to consider:

1. See a Therapist

Talking to a mental health professional is so important to help you understand your feelings and get to the bottom of why it hurts so much.

This is how you can let go and move on to bigger and better things.

I’m a big advocate of speaking with therapists (if you’re able). 

Here are a few resources you can seek out if you are looking for someone to talk to:

• Psychology Today has a ‘Find a Therapist’ section on its website (for approximately 20 countries).
• BetterHelp has fantastic online therapy options and is available in over 200 countries. Complete a brief questionnaire to get started and get 20% off your first month.

2. Allow Yourself To Grieve

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to go through the emotions of grief or any uncomfortable feelings. 

This is even more important if you had a long friendship with this person and you thought they were a true friend. (This is where talking to a therapist can be truly helpful.)

3. Put Yourself In Their Shoes

Just because this person wasn’t the friend you needed, know that everyone is going through different things, and they may not have been capable of showing up for you in a way you wanted them to. 

That doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you; it just means they were more invested in themselves than the friendship. 

4. Reflect

Spend time reflecting on the situation. This is a great time to get out your journal and write down all your feelings. 

Ask yourself…

• What did you enjoy about your friendship?
  • It’s still okay to look at the friendship for what it was and appreciate that there were good things too. Remember, not all friendships are for life, but you can still be grateful for what they gave you
• What didn’t serve you in the friendship? This is the time to reflect on the elements of the friendship that were lacking.
• What kind of friends do you truly want and deserve, and do you have anyone in your life like this today?
  • If yes, write down all the qualities that make them good friends
  • If no, take time to think about ways to meet new people so you can create the kind of friendships you deserve

5. Make Time For Those Who Love You for You

These are family and friends who are present in the good times and bad.

In the reflection exercise above, you wrote down people who are good friends in your life. Now that you realize these people are your solid friends, think about ways you can spend more time with them. 

This could be in person or on the phone. The key is to fill more of your calendar with people you have a deeper connection with.

6. Communicate with Mutual Friends

Share with mutual friends (of your fair-weather friend) that you want to move on and would greatly appreciate them not bringing up the situation. 

7. Distance Yourself

It’s a good idea to briefly avoid people, places, or situations that make moving on hard to do.

So if your fair-weather friend frequents a certain neighbourhood spot, maybe avoid it while you’re trying to let go and move forward.

Letting Go of a Fair-Weather Friendship Can Bring You Peace

When you finally take the time to heal, you will eventually feel at peace, knowing that you are only allowing people into your life who love, respect, and show up for you, as well as have fun with you.

Sure, you can have many different types of friends, but as you get older, you’ll realize that quality friendships matter so much more than quantity.

Here’s to living your authentic self and comfortably showing up as your true self in all of your relationships.

More Friendship Resources: 

• How To Meet New People: 30 Ideas
• 16 Signs of True Friends
• 17 Friendship Goals To Set with Good Friends
• 150 Affirmations for Healthy Friendships
• Encouraging Words for a Friend Going Through a Hard Time